Secrets Can Ease The Pain
by Lil Bryce
Summary: patrick finally comes clean about his past in order to help a friend with her pain R&R please


_Author's note: As much as I love Bo and Hope, I am actually rooting for Georgia to be alive. For some reason, part of me even believes that Chelsea is Georgia. I love Patrick and I would love to know more about his past. Despite everything, I also love Billie. I know that some people may hate this idea, but I just had to write it._

I head into the graveyard knowing that is where I will find her. This is after all where her daughter is. As I approach the grave I can finally see her through the pouring rain. She is on her knees, on the ground.

I tentatively approach her and lay my hand on her shoulder.

"Billie?" I question, nervousness creeping into my voice. "Are you ok?"

"Ok? Ok?" She stands up. As I look at her I can tell that she has been crying.

"You expect me to be ok Lockhart? I just found out that my daughter is dead!"

"I know and I'm sorry. I just thought that you could use a friend."

Her face softens as she admits, "I'm sorry. Sixteen years. She's been gone for sixteen years Patrick. I just got her back and now it feels like I lost her all over again."

I take her into my arms knowing that she needs a friend right now. I want nothing more than to give her the shoulder that she needs to cry on. I simply hold her as she lets the rain mix with and wash the tears away.

After a few minutes she pulls back, "I'm sorry Patrick. I'm usually stronger than that."

"It's okay Billie." I reassure her. "You know that you don't have to be strong all the time. Once in a while you can let someone else shoulder the pain."

"Yeah." She answers with sadness in her voice, "I would have to actually have people that care about me in order to do that."

"You do have people Billie. Lots of people care about you." I tell her with conviction. "If nothing else you have a big family. Kate, Lucas, Phillip, Rex, Austin, Will, they all care about you. I care about you too."

She looks a little shocked after that admission. She looks me straight in the eyes and I know what she sees there.

She sees the soul of a man that has seen the world. A man with the wisdom to wish that he hadn't. She sees years of pain and regret. Lost loves and lost lives. However, at this moment, the most important thing is that she sees the truth. She sees that there is at least one person in this world, that she's not related to, that cares about her.

I see on her face as this realization hits her. She shocks me with her next question however. "Why do you care Patrick? I mean ever since this whole thing with Georgia started you've cared. You have been there for me. You came after me when the news first came out. You offered to go with me, to back me up on my search. Now that we know the truth. We know that this was all another one of Tony's sick jokes and that Georgia is really dead. Here you are again? We haven't even known each other for that long so why do you care?"

I turn away from her and that look in her eyes. I know that she wants answers. I know that she isn't trying to pry. She actually cares about the answers. I just can't tell her the truth. I've kept my past a secret for so long. I don't know how to even start. I'm also not sure that I'm ready for anybody to know. It's all just too painful.

"Patrick?" She questions me confused. "Please look at me."

I slowly turn back around knowing that this could be a big mistake. Knowing that she may just be the one person with the ability to get the truth out of me.

"Patrick, what is going on with you?" Even though she tries to hide it, I can hear the fear in her voice as it mixes with the confusion.

"I know how you feel Billie." I tell her, emotion completely controlling my voice.

"How?" She asks me, confusion still there, "How can you know how I feel Patrick? You're not a father."

I just look at her. There is no need for me to speak though. I know that everything is conveyed in my eyes. All of my emotion and once again the truth are front and center staring straight into her eyes. I can almost see the wheels turning in her head and I can see when the truth finally hits her.

"Are you?" She asks me. "Patrick?"

I turn slightly away again as I start to speak. I know that this could be the biggest mistake of my life. I don't talk about myself. I don't allow anybody to get close enough to me to know who I am. I just hope that Billie can understand.

"I am. I was." I start slowly, "I had a son. A beautiful little boy. His name was Brian. Brian Patrick Lockhart. He was my entire life. I have never been married. He was the result of a past relationship that ended before he was even born. He wasn't planned, but I loved him more than anything in this world. He was the one good thing in my life. He was my salvation. The only thing that I ever did right."

The way that Billie looks at me I can tell that she is starting to get it. I can also tell that this is affecting her. I can tell that she is a little scared to ask her next question.

"What happened?"

"Nikki, that was Brian's mom, she and I broke up before she even found out that she was pregnant. When she told me that she was pregnant I promised to stick by her and I did. We had broken up because we just had too many differences between us. When Brian was born we agreed to call a truce for his sake. We tried to get along for a while. Eventually though, the differences once again caught up with us. We just couldn't help fighting. We tried not to fight in front of Brian and we figured that it didn't hurt anybody but us. Unfortunately, one day we found out that we were wrong, very, very wrong. Brian was four years old. Nikki took him to the park and I was supposed to pick him up. It was my weekend. On my way I got stuck in traffic and I was an hour late. As soon as I got there Nikki started in on me."

I pause. I need a moment to collect myself. I have never talked about this with anyone. I have never even told Connor, Mimi, or my mom. Living through this once was hard enough; I don't want to constantly relive it. I have always tried to bury the pain, and along with it, the memories. To talk about it now, it brings it all back up. I just hope that I can get through to Billie. I hope that this is not all in vein.

"Brian had a ball. A brand new soccer ball that I had actually given to him. He loved that ball. As we were fighting, he was playing with that ball. It rolled out into the street. We weren't paying attention. We told Brian so many times to stay out of the street but he was four. It was hard for him to understand. He tried to get our attention. He asked us to get the ball for him. We were so busy with our fight though that we weren't paying attention to him. When we wouldn't get it for him, he got frustrated. He went out there to get the ball for himself."

I have to stop again. I can tell by the look on Billie's face that she knows what is coming next. I've already started though, so I have to finish. As much pain as this is bringing up, I have to get through it. I've realized that I can't bury the pain. Besides, I already buried my son; I don't want to bury the memories of him. If getting past the pain means getting past my son, then I would rather live in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to forget my son.

"The next thing that we heard was Brian scream. We saw him, but it was too late. Before we even had time to react the car was there. It hit him head on. To this day I can still see his little body flying across the street. We ran to him, but he was unconscious. We called an ambulance but it was too late. By the time they got there all that they could do was pronounce him DOA. After we buried Brian, that was it. I took off and I haven't sat still since. Brian was my life and it's my fault that he lost his."

By now the tears are flowing and I can't stop them. The thing about it though, is that I don't want to. The thing is, I haven't always been a loner or a drifter. Brian really had been my salvation and after he died, I had nothing left. I have kept my past a secret for so long, running from it. I have kept all of the pain inside believing that if I kept bringing it up, that meant I wasn't getting past it. I wasn't to get past the pain, not my son. Trying to help someone else deal with their pain has shown me how to deal with mine. The best way to cope with Brian's death is to keep him alive in my heart.

Though they all blend together, through my tears I can see that Billie is too crying.

Now that I've finally stopped, Billie finally speaks. "Oh my god, Patrick. I never knew. I'm so sorry."

"There is no way that you could have known Billie. I never told you. I never told anybody. My own family doesn't even know about this. I've never wanted to talk about it. It's just too painful."

"Patrick." She responds, still teary eyed, "Don't you know that talking about your son will help ease the pain."

"Yeah." I answer with a slight smile to the irony. "I actually just figured that one out as I was talking about him."

"It's like you told me Patrick. There are people in this world that care about you. You can talk to them about things. I know that you're strong, but you can lean on other people sometimes. I know that it's not macho to admit that you need help, but you are smart enough to know that you do need help."

"I know all of it Billie. Brian meant everything to me and I don't want to forget him. I don't want to be in pain anymore. Ever since Brian died I've been running. Running from my past, my pain. I don't want to run anymore, but I can't sit still. I'm scared. I'm afraid that if I actually stand still for too long that I'll fall."

"So fall Patrick." She tells me with that look that she gets. "It's okay Patrick, you can fall. You're not alone in this. If you fall, I'll catch you."

I'm not actually sure what to say to that. I look at her, through her almost. I finally got up the courage to talk to someone, and I'm still not sure that I made the right decision. I told Billie because she needed to know that somebody understands her pain. She may also be the one person that can understand mine, because of Georgia. This though, what she is saying now, I don't quite understand. I can tell that she understands my silence, because she goes on to explain.

"I know that you told me about Brian to help me with Georgia. I know that you figured if you shared your pain, it would help me deal with mine. Well Patrick, you know that works both ways. I understand you pain and I can help you with it."

"So," I answer cautiously, "You mean we are going to help each other? Two people with shaded pasts, two people who have both lost children, two people who can understand each other's pain. We can help each other?"

"Yeah, why not? Who better to help us?" She answers and is finally smiling, at least a little. "It could work, I mean we're like kindred spirits. We do understand each other's pain and more than just that we understand each other. We also may be the only people, besides our families, that care about either one of us."

"Maybe Brian played a part in this." I'm finally able to talk about my son without crying. "Maybe he sent us to each other to help us."

"Yeah, maybe Georgia helped him."

"So" I start, not exactly sure where to take this, "We can help each other?"

"Absolutely." Billie tells me smiling now "We are after all the only one's who can help. As long as we stick together than I think that we will both be alright."

"Yeah, and one day we'll get to see our kids again." I reply smiling myself.

"Thank you for helping me Patrick. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about Brian."

"Hey, why not? You are after all, basically, the only one that trusts me period."

"So, we're gonna be okay?" Billie asks me, "We're gonna stick together? Help each other out?"

"Absolutely." I tell her "Now let's please get out of this graveyard, truth be told, it gives me the creeps."

She smiles at me as I take her hand and we walk out. We both have long roads ahead of us. We both have a lot of pain to deal with. Billie's right though, we can get through it, as long as we get through it together.

I didn't know if I was ever going to tell anybody my secret. I wasn't sure that I wanted to deal with that pain.

Sometimes life surprises you though, sometimes, secrets can ease the pain.


End file.
